Wednesday, October 31, 2012

12 Weeks

I received the twelve week (11 week and 6 day) scan this past Friday.  The ultrasound is remarkably clear, and I could be wrong but I believe that the dot in front of the baby's face is part of a tiny arm and a hand.  You can see the baby waving and smiling in the image to the right. ;)  Dr. Jolly's report says that his or her heart is beating at 152Bpm. 
The scan to the left and Dr. Jolly's report also indicate that the baby's fetal growth is at ten weeks and one day.  I know that is twelve days behind the actual gestational age of the baby.  The report before this one also put the baby close to two weeks behind his or her gestational age, so at that time I e-mailed Dr. Shivani and asked if everything was okay.  Dr. Shivani told me a scan can be plus or minus two weeks and not to worry.  She said that she checked with Dr. Jolly too and he said everything was fine. 

At this point I'm staying focused on the positive words and communications from Dr. Shivani and others at the clinic:)  I know that I have said this before, but it is something that comes to mind more and more frequently with each passing day - so of course I need to write about it.  I knew that trust was an important part of this process when I signed on, but as the process has moved forward I have come to realize that trust and faith in my doctor and clinic is everything in a process that takes place so far from home. 

And when I look at the images below I can't help but have faith in my decisions and the path that I have taken this far.  I believe that the least that a person can do is to figure out what they hope for.  And the most that a person can do is to live right inside of that hope and do something about it.

Finally, I'm a person who likes to live and enjoy each day to it's fullest, but come on time - hurry up a little! ;)

One final note - It would be wrong to end this page of my blog without thanking all of the people who supported me through my lossI haven't had a chance to thank everyone but the kind comments, e-mails and calls are appreciated.  Facing this journey as a single man can be tough at times, so support from those who understand or try to understand is genuinely appreciated.

So watch this space because I'm looking very forward to receiving my next update from the clinic.  That should happen in about nine more days, but who's counting:)!!  

Monday, October 22, 2012

Sadness & Hope

When I started my surrogacy diary I promised myself that no matter what I would keep an open, honest and complete account of my journey to surrogacy in India.  I knew very well that there would be the possibility that I would write about loss.  I thought that I was prepared for it and I didn't realize how hard it would be.

Now that it actually has happened I have come to realize that I had no idea how hard it would be.  The pain of the loss is difficult, and the fear of loosing the second baby is insurmountable.  

After the babies heartbeats were confirmed I was very happy.  I knew there was a chance of miscarriage, especially so early in the pregnancies, but I decided not to worry and did a good job of staying very positive. 

I felt very lucky, especially because of the low HCG numbers at the beginning of the pregnancies.  Heartbeats were detected at 7 weeks, a week later than I had expected, but they were strong and everything looked very good.  The next scans would be done within two weeks, at nine weeks - so I was excited. 

Per the obstetricians advice, the scans ended up getting delayed until one day before 10 weeks gestation.  I had a bad feeling and it was a difficult week.  It was harder than I imagined waiting could ever be.  I found out at the end of the week that one of the babies heartbeats had stopped.  There were no other signs that anything was wrong, but when Munni went in for her scan the baby had no heartbeat.  I am thankful for what Munni tried to do for me and my thoughts will always be with her.  The baby measured at 7 weeks 6 days gestation. 

The sadness of the loss is still with me, but my fear for the second baby is even greater.  I don't know if that's how I'm supposed to feel, but it's how I feel all the same

I was in touch with Dr. Shivani and she told me that Neha and the baby were fine.  The clinic also sent me an e-mail saying that they were happy to let me know that everything was on schedule with Neha and her pregnancy, and that she was taking care of her pregnancy very well.  

I wish I could get on a plane and go see Neha, but I guess that's not an option.  So it seems that sticking to my original plan - going with my heart and having trust in Dr. Shivani and those working with her is what I will do.  I should get the 12 week scan results this week, so lets keep everything crossed for good news and continued good news throughout the pregnancy.