Monday, October 22, 2012

Sadness & Hope

When I started my surrogacy diary I promised myself that no matter what I would keep an open, honest and complete account of my journey to surrogacy in India.  I knew very well that there would be the possibility that I would write about loss.  I thought that I was prepared for it and I didn't realize how hard it would be.

Now that it actually has happened I have come to realize that I had no idea how hard it would be.  The pain of the loss is difficult, and the fear of loosing the second baby is insurmountable.  

After the babies heartbeats were confirmed I was very happy.  I knew there was a chance of miscarriage, especially so early in the pregnancies, but I decided not to worry and did a good job of staying very positive. 

I felt very lucky, especially because of the low HCG numbers at the beginning of the pregnancies.  Heartbeats were detected at 7 weeks, a week later than I had expected, but they were strong and everything looked very good.  The next scans would be done within two weeks, at nine weeks - so I was excited. 

Per the obstetricians advice, the scans ended up getting delayed until one day before 10 weeks gestation.  I had a bad feeling and it was a difficult week.  It was harder than I imagined waiting could ever be.  I found out at the end of the week that one of the babies heartbeats had stopped.  There were no other signs that anything was wrong, but when Munni went in for her scan the baby had no heartbeat.  I am thankful for what Munni tried to do for me and my thoughts will always be with her.  The baby measured at 7 weeks 6 days gestation. 

The sadness of the loss is still with me, but my fear for the second baby is even greater.  I don't know if that's how I'm supposed to feel, but it's how I feel all the same

I was in touch with Dr. Shivani and she told me that Neha and the baby were fine.  The clinic also sent me an e-mail saying that they were happy to let me know that everything was on schedule with Neha and her pregnancy, and that she was taking care of her pregnancy very well.  

I wish I could get on a plane and go see Neha, but I guess that's not an option.  So it seems that sticking to my original plan - going with my heart and having trust in Dr. Shivani and those working with her is what I will do.  I should get the 12 week scan results this week, so lets keep everything crossed for good news and continued good news throughout the pregnancy.  


  1. craig I'm so sorry for your loss, I've been looking out for your post, could not have imaged this, wish I had the words to take away your hurt and sorrow, I am sending you hugs and strength, thinking of you x

  2. Sorry to hear about your loss, Craig. Your emotions are very normal and unfortunately, there's no magic pill to take the negative ones away :( With my first child via surrogacy, I had many up and down thoughts - and it was only until he was finally in my arms that I could finally feel at peace. Even with baby #2, I have my moments - again, until she is in my arms, I keep one foot on Cloud 9 and one foot on the ground as difficult as that is. I stay as busy as I can and remain positive. Hang in there, talk to friends or those of us online, etc. Keeping you and your baby in my thoughts and prayers for the rest of the pregnancy!

  3. Dear Craig, I know all too well the sadness that accompanies losing one pregnancy felt simultaneously with the relief/anxiety of still having another ongoing. Sending cyber hugs and peace. Bernadette

  4. I am so sorry to read about your loss, Craig. I've retyped my next sentence about 10 times because I just don't know what to say. I can't imagine how you're feeling. You're in our thoughts.

  5. Sorry to read this Craig. Surrogacy is hard enough with an easy pregnancy. Wishing Neha and your baby positive vibes. x

  6. Craig - I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I know it can be all consuming. You and your baby are in our thoughts - good luck on your 12 week scan!!

  7. Sorry to read this update Craig. Grieve your loss but at the same time, try and remember the incredible fortune this journey is providing for you. Hugs!

  8. Craig, So sorry to read about the sad news.

  9. Craig,

    i'm so sorry to hear about your loss.

    Best wishes for the remaining little one and i hope 2013 is a great year for you.

    Take care